Fury

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If I could be any other place than in this body and mind, I would go there now.

I have slipped into the rabbit hole again and I am fighting against the threatening darkness that wants to take me over. If she had it her way, she’d have me surrender myself to her whims; she’d have me curl up and disappear; she’d be rid of me and my need to do-be-more in this life.

I don’t know how to get from here to there.

My thoughts catch easily on the support that is lacking from those I have supported for some time; I wonder why (too late now, I know) I so easily abuse my own valuable resources to assist the lift of another.

I feel toxic.

I feel like a victim and like whiner.

I feel petty and low.

I feel like we who speak so much of mindfulness and giving and love and being one know not of what we speak. our words are empty because we are not strong enough to stand behind them, and witnessing this, and seeing it in my own life, makes me furious, too.

I want to stop my own fingers from typing and purge this nastiness that grasps at my throat and makes my blood boil.

Most of all, I would like to be done with this dark place for a good, long while. I would like to live in the light only and have things come easier and have every effort I have made find it’s way back to me.

Expect nothing, appreciate everything—I know this is the way to roll and most days, this practice comes without argument; but today, and yesterday, and maybe even tomorrow I shall roar with fury at the universe for being so inconsiderate.

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