ramblings

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I will never understand why things fall apart. I will never understand how some things happen one way and other things happen another way. I will never understand what makes us say the things we say and keep silent about the things we really want to say. I will never understand why there are days when I feel I can hold the world in both hands and other days when I can’t lift my pinky finger. I will never understand what makes us so complicated and simple and why we choose the things we choose. I will never understand why people die or why it never completely heals over when they are gone. I will never understand the depth of nightmares and how it is possible for me to visit hell in my sleep. I will never understand how I can feel so invisible and so loud at the same time. I will never understand why money makes the world go around or how it is that we are so easily able to camouflage our true intent. I will never understand why I was born with the ability to choose what happens to my body and why others are not. I will never understand why it is I am the way I am and why I feel like a foreigner in a foreign land. I will never understand how in the same moment that I type these words, a woman is being mutilated or beaten or verbally abused or or or….I will never understand how it is that I get to choose and so many do not. I will never understand every single part of myself and I will never understand why I spend so much time trying. I will never understand how anger or pain or frustration or jealousy or adoration or or or can fuel the fire that moves through my fingertips. I will never understand why we aren’t taught when we are first taught to listen to what our hearts say. I will never understand why we ignore the things that hurt us the most and I will never understand why some friendships don’t stick. I will never understand the flow of creativity and how she ebbs and how she flows and I will never understand why I can’t sometimes say exactly what it is I’m trying to say.

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